Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??

A Boo Meringue

When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.

Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.

[First day studying philosophy]

Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.

Me: Me?

Professor: Yes.

Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?

Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.

Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal

one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing

Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit

SON: it’s called homework

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

google: please stop

me: more frogs with teeth

HIM: What are you doing?

ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.

HIM: How much is in there?

ME: $5.40

Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?

ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…

*looks up from hospital bed*

ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…

ME: Oh.