Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.

My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.

Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.

[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?

I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)

What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer was “Nun of the Above”.

Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?

Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.

Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.

Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.

Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.

This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

“what’s it like having a sister?”

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.

Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.

79.

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!

I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.

Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.