Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.

[driving]

ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly

WIFE: ok we’re almost home

ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!

[i run in]

ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee

My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.

My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.

Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?

me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

For real 🤣

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead