*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
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me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
every college guy’s fridge
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
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Eight minutes into dinner date and I’m out of knock knock jokes.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Oh, I bet you would be
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty dissapointed in them ever since though.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
Dolls on drugs
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*