*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
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Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
how was your vacation
Silence of the Lambs is so relatable to me cuz I also understand the importance of moisturizing
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
*Pushing the unlock button on my car key as I approach the front door to my house
Nah, I ain’t distracted.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas