Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the club]

Me: I got the moves

Her: it’s “runs”

Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail

I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.

My birth announcement for our third baby

Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.

‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys

[first day as a pharmacist]

ME: Where are all the animals?

LinkedIn is a terrible dating site

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries

Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Lucky old June.

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.

People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.

Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.

Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]