@mexinonblonde

*stands up and screams*
“PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!”

*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*

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@lisaxy424

Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion

Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer

@tangledteatime

An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn’t that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He’s EIGHT.

@imence2

Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them

Step 2:Become a lawyer

Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love

Step 4:Become rich

@austen_420

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

@iwearaonesie

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

@platinum2000

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

@ClichedOut

ME: make every guy afraid of me

GENIE: as u wish

ME: (a tampon): son of a

@raniao2011

When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.

(Me to my fridge)

@audipenny

Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though