You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
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The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Pass gas, not judgment.