@mexinonblonde

*stands up and screams*
“PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!”

*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*

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@gingerfaced

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

@LackOfShame

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

@TeahLhompson

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

@omerwahaj

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

@capnwatsisname

INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think

@KylePlantEmoji

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

@BitterOldPunk

“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.

@suecorvette

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

@jaggedape

Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…

Thank you for your time.