I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
*stands up and screams*
“PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!”
*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*
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Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.