Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
*stands up and screams*
“PICTURES OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!”
*gets thrown out of Easter service during sermon of the resurrection*
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*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
An eight year old offered to sell me drugs. Isn’t that disgusting? Why would I pay when I can just beat him up and take them? He’s EIGHT.
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
wife:The other tag
me:Made in Vietnam
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.
(Me to my fridge)
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though