*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro