*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
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The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
I was just discussing this with my cat
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.