Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger

please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody

thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?

I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists

Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..

Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

❤️

i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

Meow

don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

Lunatics are gonna loon.