*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
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Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I have many caverns
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Erm…
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
At the International League of Assassins
Me: Do you guys have a summer internship or is it mostly “on the job” training?
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider: