*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
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MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”