Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?

“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”

I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage

A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

Google. Filling the gaps in public education.

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy

On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”

Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)

9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake

Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)

9: What the heck was that?!

Me: Aftershock

My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

Made a playlist for your weekend hike

So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley

Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”

No one heard her.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you