Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.

I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.

UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria

U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier

[Independence Day – 2017]

ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—

WILL SMITH: Fine

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

We decided to have money instead of children.

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

This is exactly why pilots do a ‘walk around’ prior to flying. If not, the low tyre pressure on this aircraft (left in picture) would not have been detected. #Safety

When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy

wife: maybe the two are related?

me: no, I think they’re just good friends

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

I could have been a monk but I missed my chants

Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?

CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard

OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7

CEO: first of all, promoted

I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.

“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”