Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

Me: it’s time to go

Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway

Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

I use my imagination to solve problems.

And by imagination, I mean booze.

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

Hormones: hey what’s up?

Me: just reading a book.

Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.

Me: wait no—

Hormones: AND CRY.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

ME: What do you want for our anniversary?

WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch

ME: Ok

WIFE: You’re not going to write it down

ME: Nah, I’ll remember

[later]

WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?

I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral

Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”

Me when I see someone that knows me in public..

omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?

taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee

What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?

cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula