Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”

ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?

GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?

me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*

Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”

me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?

3: it smells hot

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!

me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe

the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed

My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.

ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?

Ryan Reynolds Said What?!

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth

My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.