Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

Boss: what are you doing?!

Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here

Just added something to my bucket list.

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.

It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!

Humans are creative.

I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*

me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*

My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell

I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?

The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.