Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.![]()
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guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
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Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
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Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
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Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?