[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
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An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
me: that’s a cool tattoo
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: thanks! it’s from a manga, if you’re familiar with that
me: i am. it’s from uzumaki right? so good
guy at dispensary with uzumaki spiral face girl tattoo: yeah you should check it out sometime
me: ok
Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”
Mine should be here in a few days.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*