Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
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Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.