Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

making bad rap music is committing crhymes.

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.

Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?

(Lionel Richie, speed dating)

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.

I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”

me: 😃

“it’s $9”

😩

“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”

😃

My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.

How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)

If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.

I believe the children are our future.

But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.

Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.

Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.

Me: But not the basement, right?

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream