Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
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I walked into HomeGoods & didn’t grab a cart because I was only getting one thing.
Rookie move.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
They got Luigi out here like Hannibal Lecter, and the general public is still like, “WOULD”.
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Who’s your best friend?
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
I’m not sorry.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?