Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.

Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man

I’m not proud

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going

[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.

I will (and I can’t stress this enough) touch whatever you tell me not to touch.

Yoh, my Uber driver is such a yapper and I have ran out of “ yeahs” 😭😭😭

*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*

I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on

White parent Vs Arab parents

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.

Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?

Me: …Kids?

What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:

ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?

Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.

let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.