Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

start pet casino? explore legality

shit this isn’t my notes app

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.

At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)

Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2

Mail is crazy because it’s like 99 pieces of straight up garbage and 1 that if you don’t reply to you’re going to jail.

Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.

Now, everyone come help me find Carl.

dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”

My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare

Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.

— an Easter egg

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.