Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
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[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS