Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At the Grand Canyon]

Me:

I L o v e T h i s P l a c e

[ECHO]

[ECHO]

GC: Let’s just be friends

Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed

Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?

Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

Daddy, where do bananas come from?

Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…

Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”

If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.

bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?

“How old are you?”

Things you say to your third child.

No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known

Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army