Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

Me: Alexa, play music

Cop: where do you think you are?

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony

[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now

“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.

*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.

I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.

Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe

Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”

Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle

Me: omg they’re perfect

Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!

Me: haha and what does she do

Pixar:

Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure

Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.

According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.

Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted

Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.

TEACHER: It should all be present tense.

ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.

History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”

Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

(Boarding flight to Iowa)

9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?

12 yo: corn on the cob

9 yo: what else?

12 yo: corn off the cob