Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody

Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic

[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”

I told her I’d have eight, please.

My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?

Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.

restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?

me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious

Me: *grimaces, accepts call*

Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!

Me: Meow

I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.

Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.

Match dot com, but for socks.

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

Great acting.. 😂

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.

I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?

putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

a McRib killed my tapeworm