Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
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I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
All the characters in the 2006 sci-fi comedy ‘Idiocracy’ wear Crocs because the costume designer thought they were futuristic and too ugly to ever become popular in real life
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
Why are bridges so flammable.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
My kid: you took my KitKat, didn’t you?
Me:
Me: I am shocked!
My kid: are you shocked because you took my KitKat or are you shocked because I could figure it out?
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
tub, pail, can, vat, jug, kettle, cask, pot, keg, barrel, bowl…
…. making a bucket list
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
I’ve had so much tea trying to get rid of this cold that I’m now speaking with a British accent and am fascinated with the Royal family.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.