Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
You Might Also Like
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
*uses Ouija board*
ＮＥＷ ＰＨＯＮＥ ＷＨＯ ＤＩＳ
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money