Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
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We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
This is why I hate group projects
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
yo who decided that the standard lullabies for children are about people dying of bubonic plague or baby cradles falling out of trees
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people