Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
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the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
i’m sure it’s fine
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’