Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.

Our lord and savoury.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door

Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw

*overheard from the other room

8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?

Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?

8yo: No

Grandma: Just one then

They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.

Trying to limit my time on Twitter. Very aware of my responsibilities. Very going to scroll just a little longer… three hours later.

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

in 3 months

[Getting home from fishing trip]

MOM: Catch anything?

ME: No, but a bear did.

MOM: Where’s your father?

LIFE HACK: don’t give your children weird names

ME: stop complaining, when i named you Life Hack it was on a dare and i won

They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.

Poor guy.

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?