Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…

Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.

Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish

wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

Hippocrates did very well for himself,

considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.

Me: *nods in agreement

Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace

I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.