Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.

my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

<——-Wants the burger

<——-Needs the salad

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.

Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?

Lord, the restaurants you put on this earth to provide noontime sustenance are advertising $17 lunch specials

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up

I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.

[ordering Indian food]

them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-

me: I’m white

them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?

Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.

At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.

Customer: Can someone else serve us?

Me:?

C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.

M: Satan wants their tiny souls.

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die