Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

I finally bought a set of dumbells.

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?

Please say 6 weeks.

I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.

A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?

joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people

batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you

joker:

batman:

joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

Deer are just ballerina dogs

My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.

Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed

Hmm, not sure about this change

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

This is me 🤣🤣

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink

Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?

Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?

i wish we could shoplift online

I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult

I would move hell over six inches for you

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola