Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?

Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays

A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.

But it was returned…
no strings attached.

Wait…what ?

*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*

A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.

I really would love to see two mimes arguing

If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.

– the lady in front of me

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

at the salon thinking of going darker for winter

maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl

Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

[at Home Depot]

Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye

Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?

Me: our dog died

Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…

Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody

The pen is writier than the sword.

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

When my husband asks if he can get something out of my purse, I have to give him full-on GPS instructions: “It’s in the main compartment, to the right of the trail mix. And if you even look at my trail mix, I swear…”

I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.

My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player

Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married

Interviewer: and you?

Me: distracted her husband with an interview

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

me: can you empty the dishwasher please

9: what? What do you mean?

me: how the hell can I be anymore specific?

Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.