Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
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[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
angry women in movies can cut their hair with a hunting knife over a dirty bathroom sink and look incredible, but when I have scissors and a mirror and all the time in the world I look like lord farquaad if he got caught in a lawn mower
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
