Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
You Might Also Like
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*