Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
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Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
*gets up from couch after laying on it with eyes closed for 30 minutes*
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
Husband: Wasn’t that just what you were doing?
Me: That was a pre-nap. Time for the real thing.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.