Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Basically, any European coat of arms:

I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.

She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad

secret recipe

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

Cop: get down!

Me: *starts dancing*

Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER

One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…

Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.

Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.

*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*

i lost 4 lbs, nice

*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*

the punishment does not fit the crime

If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.

Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine

Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.