Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
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Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
greetings!
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.