Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
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me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
It’s on my to-do list.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved