Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
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*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline