Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: how did he die?

him: he was attacked by a gang of geese

me: gaggle?

him: no I think it was a stabbing

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)

Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?

Me: uh… someone from Virginia

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous

“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-

Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?

ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

Taco Bell is really the only place you can still get gas for $1.29 at the moment.

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool