Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
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We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
The Friday File.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I think I’m having a stroke
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?