Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
You Might Also Like
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
[after losing a rap battle]
me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side