Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”

“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”

~Dogs probably

I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)

I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”

So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

Girl, same.

CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry

You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY

Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels

When he asks for feet pics

My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.

Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *

* Looking for my gloves in the shed

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*

Me: leave

CW: why?

Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?

People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.

“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.

[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.