Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

A leaf blower, but for people.

me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”

TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?

Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel

TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead

Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”

Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”

Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”

I’ve got some sick beats.

No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.

*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

4: “Can I say fuh?”

Me: “Don’t…”

4: “Can I say king?!”

Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

Me: ready to visit grandma?

Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?

Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.

I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down

If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.