Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
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since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.