Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.

God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.

Relationship Status:

My dog was just licking my ear.

I didn’t stop her.

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

You got this…

Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒

Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*

If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.

Chat: “don’t”

Email: “I do not”

Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”

*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.

Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.

#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:

*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed on

Babies crying everywhere

I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

What’s the opposite of irony?

Crinkly.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: why, what have you heard?

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.

My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?