starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
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When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
*hands doctor a pee sample*
“Here you go doctor, you said I needed to do a urine test”
DOCTOR: “No, I said a hearing test”
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.