starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
You Might Also Like
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I put the mess in domestic.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.