Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.

Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.

Oops I deleted….

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

I’d hit that

-me, to my snooze alarm

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

back to work

6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.

Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no

I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now

I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.

Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

New parent: our kids are only going to eat healthy food

That same parent, 3 kids later: it’s ok to have cookies for breakfast

never stops being funny

I received my electricity bill.

I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.