Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.

WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen

me: do you take walk-ins

dude at the crematorium: what

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”

-God

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.

No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

I don’t make the rules sorry

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

I’m an asshole.

Sent from my Apple Watch

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣

Not many talk about it anymore, ever since they dropped the sport as “not Olympic enough,” “undignified and stupid,” and “Who the hell let him in here again?” but I was proud to represent the US at the ’56 Winter Games in Men’s Pillow-Fighting.

Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites

I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?

~ me 30 minutes into dieting

My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.

me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?

car mechanic: no

Guy walking in on me in the bathroom

Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.

Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50

“Expecto me to be there”

Harry Potter RSVPing to a party

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

[DATE]

ME: I’m a literature buff

HER: who do you read?

ME: read?

*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.