Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature

MY BRAIN: say you like hiking

MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

*door in my house opens on its own*

me: fascinating. there must be quite a temperature differential between these two rooms to create that kind of pressure

the ghost haunting me: (slamming its head through the wall) i hate you i hate you i hate you i hate you

CW: I think you’re two-faced

Me: Why don’t you say that to my face

CW: I just did!

Me: No. My other face.

I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”

If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”

(my first day as a transformer)

optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!

Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE

How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”

Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

Customer: can I pay with my phone?

Me: no we need dollars