Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

Wanted:

Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.

No weirdos.

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

Jus’ sayin. 😐

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”

That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.

Me: “Is this seat taken?”

Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”

In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”

He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”

Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.

Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.

Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!

You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…

this got me crying😭😭

My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.

Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.

It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

vet: I need to give your dog some shots

me: no he doesn’t drink

COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes: