Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
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Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
Bed should get ready for ME
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
“Amanda Seyfried (left)”
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.