Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

dictator is short for richard potato

Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”

-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken

Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?

Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.

After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.

‘The cat is up on your counters again.’

~The monster under my bed.

“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends

[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.

Welcome to the family, Alexa.

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.

She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.

If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.

One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

Tastes like chicken.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you