Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
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Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
The symmetry is uncanny.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.