Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…

“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?

I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

[airport security]

wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*

me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*

tsa agent:

tsa agent: why so many gameboys

*my dog starts barking when suddenly 20 other neighborhood dogs start barking back at him. i just laugh & point at him*
haha, you’re getting ratioed!

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.

🌱🌱🌱

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”

ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?

JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does

That’s why I think of running everyday

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

the saddest jazz hands ever

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!

Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.

Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.

Sociophobia is the fear of friends.

Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me