Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.

*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that

You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that

[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.

*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

[first time trying standup]

Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-

*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT

Me: Please, mom, not now

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

Smile they said.

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”

Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…

Not today Satan.

Not today.

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.

Someone will come to argue with you.

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance