[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
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Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try