Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
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“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Lucky old June.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
Not all heroes wear capes…
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.