Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boating season is upon us.

“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”

— No squirrel ever.

Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.

Luke: Did you get the card I made you?

Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.

Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

Me: “I need big girl clothes.”

Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”

Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”

Him: “Does the couch pull out?”

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.

INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]

therapist: how have you been coping with everything

me: with sarcasm mostly

therapist: has that been working

me: yeah it’s been super great

Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?

I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

*sewing*

A thread

I pray every night that I never become religious…

My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!

I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”

So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number

Avoidance is expensive

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.