Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way

If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.

Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.

Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves

My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

Apple needs to develop a feature that disables Amazon when it knows you’re drinking.

Hashtag don’t drink and Prime.

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the world

Banana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?

<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.

Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.

Help.

The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?

[I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”