Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ undercover stake out ]

me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you

donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*

My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

“Bjärk! Bjärk!”

-Björk’s dog

me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life

Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello

Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.

The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.

My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

I wish a notification would pop up when I’m texting a guy and be like “Incorrect use of big vocabulary word. Buy a dictionary, bitch!”

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled