Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”

Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.

Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.

Stop being friends with whoever says you can’t twerk to Led Zeppelin.

You don’t need that negativity in your life.

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.

My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite

kid: *sniffle*

me: need a tissue?

kid: no

kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*

I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

when revenge coincides with naptime

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)

1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

Jurassic park gets weird

There are a lot of reasons i will never shoot anyone, but somewhere on the list is “people reading everything I ever wrote on the internet”

If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards

Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

[homeschooling]

ME: what is 345 minus 127?

DAUGHTER: 218

ME: *filling out tax form* thanks

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for