@mattZillaaaa

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

- @mattZillaaaa

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@shegotagronk

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

@_NTFG_

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

@yonewt

Coming home to my dog reeking of hamburgers and betrayal

@1MeLrO

Blows you, kisses

See proper punctuation is important

@thejamietighe

Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?

Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.

@Brentweets

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

@JermHimselfish

Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back

@squirrel74wkgn

If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”

@4SLars

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.