Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”

- @mattZillaaaa

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It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”


Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.


Coming home to my dog reeking of hamburgers and betrayal


Blows you, kisses

See proper punctuation is important



Neighbour: Get out of my house!

Me: You’re not even guessing.


So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything


Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad

Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back


If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”


[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.