Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
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[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Twitter is the new flypaper.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.