Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
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hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Dr Rorschach: *sigh* and this one?
Dr Freud: DID MY MOTHER KNOW YOU WERE TAKING THESE?
love it when they get my name right
I had a weird smell once…
A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.
I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.
You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?
3 months. Three
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
So you heard that after I won several cuts from the butchers in a card game, I got back home to the farm to find out that one of my female sheep was questioning the existence of tropical cyclones, and you want to know if its true?
Well that’s four meat Uno, and ewe typhoon doubt.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.