Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual

WebMD: *Blocked

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt

My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.

I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..

My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids

When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.

I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.

I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”

I’m lucky, I only drink every night.

“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.

“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.

never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!

ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help

Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.

Friend: Flyers for what?

Me: Some club called VIOLATION.