Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.

COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope

I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.

Nearly put me off my sandwich.

I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night

If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.

[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left

Ways to get me naked:

1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?

You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?

Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.

“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line

me: *waking up* who’s there

monster under bed: hi

me: *shaking* omg you’re real

monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you

me: oh

monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy

me: dad?

monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax

Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button

Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.

Old girlfriends tend to get offended.

Who knew?

Sister: Why do you wear winter colors in summer?

Me: I dress like my personality. Cold and dark.

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here

We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.

We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!

We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.

What did the 0 said to O?

Ohio!

I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

“There are way too many people in there.”

~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo