Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
You Might Also Like
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
i’m a 10 (tion deficit)
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
*updates tinder bio*
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
I’ll tell the full story later but a 30 year old woman was like “let’s take this outside” to my 68 year old mom in a dollar general and mom was like YEAH YOU DON’T WANT THAT BUT OKAY and went outside and the b***h never came outside lol
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
The government even made aliens boring
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.