Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
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‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Hear me out. What if we don’t elect another president, and we all just promise to be really good?
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Pacifically speaking, for all intensive purposes, don’t take me for granite.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car