Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you

I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man

This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help

Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

me: I think my blood’s haunted

doctor: what

me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her

Expecting Parents,

PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.

Sincerely,
Marlana

Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

Now, where’s the sport in that?

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

[making dinner]

Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me

Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about

Me: Screams into the void

Void: screams back

Me: Screams into void again

Void:

Me:

Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you

I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.

The first one, obviously

I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*