Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her

I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.

best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.

dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”

My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.

I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private

aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy

I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet