Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.

*first day as a coach*

Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!

Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.

“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows

I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.

HER: what are you doing?

ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?

Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.

Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*

It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.

I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?

Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.

Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.

beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever

Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?

Him: Just flush him down the toilet

Me: Gotcha. And the fish?

I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace

[visiting Hell as a tourist]

Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs

Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled

Satan: congratulations you get to stay here

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me

That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that

[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this

Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”

[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”