Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.

I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.

Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it

All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????

10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?

Me: Well, son …

[to be continued]

I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00

*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*

you guys headed down to the pawnshop?

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

Yoga Matt

[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one

Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.

Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.

Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.

That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground

*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.