Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
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Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
What my back needs
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Uh oh 👀
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Him: I need advice.
Me: (eating red velvet cake for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!